Reflections

The whole year of 2010 was a rough year. My son suffered a concussion on New Year's Day when he fell asleep on a stage during a lock-in for a youth group. He fell off the stage and smacked his head on the concrete floor. It ended with the death of a loved one less than 2 weeks before Christmas and my husband being in a car accident on Christmas Eve eve. Needless to say, we were very happy to see 2011!

Fair warning: this is long. sometimes bitter. sometimes sad. 

Sometimes something triggers a memory that causes you to stop and reflect. Tonight when I was eating dinner, the tastes took me back to last year (almost a full year).

The tastes: chicken pie and cranberry sauce
The good memory: friendship, kindness, comfort
The bad memory: anger, frustration, bitterness, all around sadness

I was going into the third year of caring for my grandmother. It seemed like at the beginning of her illness, she wasn't going to make it, but she fought hard to battle her congestive heart failure. She was even able to get back to bowling once a week after less than a year of being on death's doorstep! Actually, if I remember correctly, she had died in the driveway but the paramedics revived her! It was a joy to shop with her, clean for her, and drive her to bowling each week. I got to know her in a deeper way and got know a great group of senior bowlers and grew to love them. Towards the middle of the year, she started getting abnormally cranky and terse. She had always been a bitter woman, but I was usually able to redirect her when she got on her rants. Before I realized it, we were into fall. The entire summer had passed by and we hadn't done a thing - not even our usual family camping trip in June.


The middle of September brought a very ornery lady who insisted that she did not want to bowl anymore (her life!) or cook for anyone anymore. The very next day I got a phone call saying that we should take a trip to the doctor. I knew something was wrong because my sweet Gram absolutely hated her doctor! Her blood pressure was out of control. After a visit to the doctor, then the ER, she was able to go back home. Still she didn't seem quite up to par. It was time to start bringing in a nurse on an almost daily basis, but this wasn't flying with the 'queen of the castle' ...This was taking a toll on everyone, but hitting me hard after being primary caretaker for her. It was clear to others that I was on the verge of a breakdown and they insisted that I get away, even if just for a day. details to follow shortly

October brought another visit to the hospital for a short stay. Honestly, I can't remember why. I just remember it was Columbus Day weekend and my father missed his last vacation of the season because someone needed to be there to take care of Grampy while Grammy was gone.

November sent us back to the hospital, but this time by ambulance.  I say "us" because wherever she was, I was. After countless hours in the in ER, we were finally given a room and diagnosis of kidney malfunction. Not realizing that there was the issue of congestive heart failure, the kidney doctor was certain that she'd recover nicely. However, once the cardiologist checked on her, we were given a different story. November rolled into December ... that last week after Thanksgiving.

remember said 'get away' - insert here:  Grammy was safely tucked away in her hospital room and I was assured that it was a good time to get away; they'd call if there was an emergency. On December 3, 2010, Chris, Meg, and I, along with Sue, Nate and Josh Miller headed off to New York City for the day. I love NYC at Christmas time ... the tree, the decorations, the smell of winter in the air ... After a full day of wandering the streets of Manhattan, we headed back to good ole NH. On the way home, close to 9 pm, I mentioned the fact that my phone had not rung once - either nothing eventful happened or something happened and they were afraid to ruin my day away. Wouldn't you know, there was an email from my dad waiting for me when I got home, "We need to talk. I'll call you in the morning." 

Gasp! This cannot be good! Back to reality. As it turned out, the kidney issues were because the heart was in the process of shutting down. There was nothing that anyone could do. The doctor suggested that we just bring her home and make her as comfortable as possible. On December 4, Grammy was discharged and sent home, being given about 2-3 months to live. Yes, one last holiday to savor with our beloved family matriarch ... 

Not. So. On December 13, 2010, in the wee hours of the morning, my beloved Grammy that I had spent my entire life with and had really gotten to know as a friend and confidant passed away quietly in her sleep after a restless, anxious evening. At the age of 92, she left behind her 99 year old husband of 63 years, and her sister of 90 years, along with 4 sons and many grandchildren & great grandchildren - what a wonderful life she had!!! 

So, all that being said, why did chicken pie and cranberry sauce trigger such a memory? Why the good memory of friendship, kindness and comfort? Ah, because when a loved one dies, we find comfort in food. Comfort in the food that is so lovingly provided for us by friends who know we wouldn't even think of eating, much less cooking. One of the meals that my dear friend brought over was a chicken pie with crispy onions (you know, the ones on green bean casserole) and covered with a layer of rolled out crescent rolls ... cranberry sauce on the side. Tonight, those flavors in my mouth triggered a multitude of emotions, causing me to realize that in just about a month, it will be one year ... 

Grammy, you are always in my heart! Sometimes I think that I can still run over to the farm and tell you something ... yet, I avoid the farm (and inadvertently I avoid Grampy) because it is so hard to be there, wondering when you're going to come down the stairs on the roller coaster, or 'fly' around the corner and plop into your chair in your not-so-lady-like way.